I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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