It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
