Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
