You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
why do cheetos always look like penises
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
