Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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