Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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