I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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