so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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