So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
