Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
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