He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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