I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
