If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
