So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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