I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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