either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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