You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
