I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
