You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
