You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I've blown a few things in my day
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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