you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
