she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
