You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
