i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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