im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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