I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
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I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
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I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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