peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
