when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He better not be in your backpack
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
