She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
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She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
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You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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