I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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