Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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