you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?