She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.