I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
