I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
