So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
