the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
