Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
BRING THE BAGELS
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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