So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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