Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
