Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
