Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
