ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
