I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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