You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
There r osticjed everywhere
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
