420 ftw
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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