I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
