The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
