True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
