Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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