was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
