i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
