is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
