the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
