the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
