Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
