the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night