Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
