If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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