It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
