I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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