By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
