just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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