I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
