Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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